Naruto the Badfic
by RedLotusNin
Summary: ONESHOT. Vampires, sappy romances, MarySues… I think it’s time for these Naruto fanfic clichés to go down. I’ll start. [CrackParody]


Summary: Vampires, sappy romances, Mary-Sues… I think it's time for these Naruto fanfic clichés to go down. I'll start.

Disclaimer: Naruto is property of Masashi Kishimoto. And any similarities of plot ideas and OCs from other fanfics are 'pure coincidence'.

Warning: Even though this is a parody, it's still pretty crack. Also, if you're like, _super_-sensitive you might get offended. And to set things straight, the ONLY characters I don't like are Orochimaru, Kabuto and sometimes Itachi and Temari. If a character gets insulted in this fanfic, it's because I'm just making fun of them. Chances are I like that character almost as much as you do. For example, I make fun of Sasuke, but I still like the character (for the most part). There are also pairings that I'll make fun of, but hey, I also make fun of the clichés in my favorite pairings too. All in all, just laugh at it. **This fanfic was not meant to be taken seriously. **

So before you flame me, think about two things: 1.) Am I taking this too seriously? And 2.) Will she even care if I flame her?

I'm not sure about number one, but I can guarantee you number two is true. I'll laugh in your face if you flame me for making a humor/parody story.

**Rated** **M** for content and language.

I've actually been writing this story for awhile. It's all on paper. All of my friends write their fanfics on paper before they type it up, so I kind of wanted to try it too.

Also, this may have errors in it. It's long, and I didn't get obsessive when editing it. Not to mention ff dot net screws up spacing all the time...

Before we start, I'd just like to say the beginning is a little fast. Actually, the whole story is fast, but I couldn't make it longer than it already was. Enjoy!

_Naruto: The Badfic_

The sunshine sparkled brightly. The sky was clear and blue. It was a beautiful day for Konoha. Yes, the temperature was warm—not hot. The wind blew gently and sweetly. Yes, yes… it was a mighty fine day indeed.

Haruno Sakura found herself enjoying the beautiful day. The air couldn't be any sweeter and the sun rays were just right… nothing could possibly go wrong on such a beautiful day like this!

…Or so she thought.

She arrived at the former training grounds where her team used to practice. She smiled at the memories, but also ached a bit on the inside. Her team was a broken one, but she tried to keep what was left together. That's why she was there. She, Naruto and Kakashi were going to have a training session together just like they did in the old days.

She put down her bags and began warming up. She stretched her legs and then her arms. Suddenly, her attention was drawn to a source of chakra. Standing there was Kakashi.

"You're late!" she screamed, pointing. Kakashi blinked twice.

"No I'm not."

"Yeah I know," she said sheepishly. "Sorry, it's just a habit."

Kakashi stared at her a bit confused, but then shrugged it off. "Anyways, I see you were stretching. That's good. I personally like to make sure my team's here before I start. It's not good to stretch too early, you know what I mean?"

Sakura stared at Kakashi for a minute, her eyes wide. Kakashi didn't notice it at first since he was looking at the sky, but Sakura's eyes had begun to water. He finally turned his attention back to Sakura. He jumped slightly when he realized Sakura was crying.

"Whoa. Sakura, are you—"

"You're such a jerk!" Sakura sobbed.

Kakashi blinked twice. "_What_?"

"How can you be so cruel?!" She began to cry harder. Then she ran away like a little girl.

Then again, she _is_ a girl so…

Kakashi watched her with wide eyes until she disappeared into the distance.

"All I did was look at the sky…"

( - - - )

Sakura ran blindly, her face clouded with tears. She pushed a guy who was in her way aside (he ended up falling hardly into a pile of trash cans) and continued to run. She ran and ran—her eyes hot with tears. But then she bumped into another person. This guy didn't go flying into a trashcan, but instead he held the sides of her arms, stopping her from going any further.

"Sakura!"

Sakura looked up, but she had so many tears in her eyes she saw nothing but a blurry blob.

"Sasquatch?" she guessed.

"No Sakura! It's me, Naruto! Are you okay?"

Now, if it had been Sasquatch, maybe things would've turned out differently. But Sakura somehow magically decided she hated Naruto.

"Go away!" she said. She freed herself from Naruto and continued running like a retard.

Naruto looked at the ground, depressed. "Every time I try doing something nice, people push me aside," he muttered. Then his face became determined. "That's it! Fuck Konoha! I'm running away!"

Then the very OOC Naruto ran away.

( - - - )

Sakura continued running (uhm, what else has she been doing for the last two pages?) while crying like a puppy who's been kicked. She then, once again, bumped into another person. She looked up and saw Sasuke. Now, if Sakura wasn't so stricken with grief, she might've stopped to ponder why the hell Sasuke was in Konoha. But she didn't bother to ask questions.

"Uhm, Sakura?"

"Go away Sasuke!" Sakura yelled at him.

"Will you stop crying already?" Sasuke said irritably. Sakura looked up at him in shock.

"You fucking asshole!" she screamed at him angrily (can you say it in any other way?). "I'm distraught and you don't even give a damn. WELL FUCK YOU SASUKE! YOU AND YOUR DUCK-BUTT HAIRSTYLE! WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO OROCHIMARU, THE GAY PEDOPHILE! MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY FIND HAPPINESS, YOU FRIGGIN' EMO!"

Sasuke stared at her in shock. _Nobody_ has ever spoken to him like that. _Nobody_ treated him like that. _Nobody_ had _ever_…

…Spoken the truth.

He _did_ have a duck-butt hairstyle and he _was_ emo.

And, well, it just so happens that insults and capital letters really turn Sasuke on so…

They did it. RIGHT THERE.

Bow chika bow wow…

( - - - )

Naruto's hand tightened as he gripped the straps of his backpack. He took a deep breath and looked back at Konoha for one last time.

"Goodbye Konoha!" he cried. He then ran, crying like a little girl (or like Sakura). Soon after about three minutes of running and crying, he finally tripped on a large rock. Unfortunately for him, the rock was on top of a steep hill, so Naruto basically rolled down the hill. He cut his legs and tore part of his clothing as he rolled through thorn bushes and over sharp rocks. He finally came to a stop after what seemed like ten minutes when he hit a tree.

"OUCH!" he screamed. Most people probably would've broken a couple of limbs from a fall like that, but Naruto simply got up, wiped dirt off his clothes and then continued on as if nothing had happened.

As he traveled through the forest (ZOMG! DID I FORGET TO MENTION HE WAS IN A FOREST?!) he noticed large animals. Luckily, he was able to avoid them. There were lions and tigers and bears.

"Oh my," muttered Naruto, as he continued through the forest. Then he stopped when he came across…

DUN DUN DUN!

A weasel.

Yep, that's right. It was Itachi!

"AAAH!" screamed Naruto. Itachi just sort of stood there all Itachi-like as Naruto continued screaming in his face. When Naruto finished screaming, Itachi pulled out a kunai.

"Time to die, beyotch!" Itachi declared uncharacteristically.

Naruto kind of stood there and stared at him.

"Wow, uhm, I'm no villain but wouldn't it have made more sense to kill me when I had least expected it?" Naruto said, blinking.

"Yeah, but I crave the drama," Itachi said simply.

"Oh."

Naruto then pulled out a couple of shuriken. They faced off, glaring at each other. Action music started playing in the background as the two prepared to make their move. Naruto was about to make the first move when he heard leaves rustle the background. Both he and Itachi turned to see a girl around eighteen years old come out of the bushes.

When she stood up at full height, Naruto's jaw dropped (err, no. She wasn't freakishly tall).

She was tall and slender with smooth, tanned skin. Her eyes were a sparkly cerulean-indigo-periwinkle blue with a hint of grey that shone like crystal diamonds. She had curves that any shallow girl would die for. She had creamy skin (even though I just said it was tanned five seconds ago) and it was clear of any marks (even though she just came out of the bushes). Her blonde hair was long, going down halfway past her back and it was thick and silky with perfect volume and shine. She had three scars on each side of her face that resembled a fox's whiskers (even though I just said her skin was clear of any marks).

That and she had a large set of hooters.

Naruto scratched his head. "Why does she look so familiar?"

"Because I'm your big sister silly!" she exclaimed, giggling like a little schoolgirl.

Naruto's jaw dropped. "No way!"

She frowned. "I'm being serious."

"Oh. Sorry."

She offered her hand and Naruto shook it. "Hi, I'm Mari-Sukiko," she introduced. When they finished shaking hands, Mari-Sukiko skipped over to Itachi, her—uhh, _assets_ bouncing as she moved. She wrapped her arms around Itachi's.

"Hi Itachi-bachi!" Mari-Sukiko said in an almost sickeningly sweet voice. ALMOST. She's too perfect to be annoying (at least, that's what the author says. The readers know better).

Naruto blinked twice at the nickname. Then he did his best to stifle his laughter, but Itachi heard him.

"Shut up," he grumbled. "You're going to die anyways." He clenched his kunai. Naruto immediately stopped laughing.

"Itachi," Mari-Sukiko scoffed. "You can't kill him! He's, like, my brother!"

"Yeah!" Naruto said, quickly agreeing. "I am, like, her brother!"

Itachi's eyes narrowed. Mari-Sukiko pushed him lightly.

"C'mon! Why don't you just ask him to join the Akatsuki?"

Naruto frowned. "Why would I want to join the Akatsuki?"

"Well," Mari-Sukiko started. "The pay's lousy, but you get all the candy and donuts you want. Plus you can kill people who piss you off."

"Well, the candy _is_ tempting but…" Naruto was skeptical.

"Well, I am your sister. Don't you wanna hang out with me?" Mari-Sukiko said.

"Besides, we'll have to kill you if you don't," Itachi said bluntly.

"TO THE AKATSUKI!" Naruto screamed enthusiastically.

"Fine," said Itachi. Then he pulled Mari-Sukiko closer to him. "But touch my bitch and you're dead."

"Dude," said Naruto. "Why would _anyone_ do their sibling?"

Itachi shrugged. "It didn't stop me."

Naruto's eyes widened.

( - - - )

Sasuke arose from the bushes. He pulled several leaves out of his hair. He began looking around. Sakura soon sat up next to him.

"What are you looking for?" she asked. Sasuke stared at her disbelieving…ly.

"My _shirt_. What else?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "It's over there."

"…Where?"

"THERE!"

"Oh. Found it."

Sakura sighed heavily. It was bad enough that the sex was unsatisfying—_really_ unsatisfying, in fact. But now the guy couldn't even find his clothes.

_Well_, Sakura thought. _At least I don't feel as bad now._ Sakura had gotten over her crying.

She looked over at Sasuke. Her eyebrow rose. "Uhm, Sasuke? What are you doing?"

"Trying to put on my shirt," he replied casually.

"It'll probably be easier if you stop trying to put your head through the sleeve."

Sasuke paused. Sakura sighed.

Once Sasuke finished putting his shirt on, he turned to Sakura who was practically done getting dressed.

"So now what?" Sakura asked him.

"I dunno," Sasuke replied after he put on his boxers. Sakura blinked twice.

"I never imagined you as a boxers-guy," she said, staring.

"Oh," was all Sasuke said. He shrugged. "Well, anyways, I think I have to leave."

"Okay," was all Sakura said as she pulled leaves out of her hair. "When will I see you again?"

Sasuke thought for a moment. "Well uh… switching between Konoha and Orochimaru's lair is going to be hard. I'll see you when I can."

Sakura frowned. "_What_?"

"I'm just trying to be realistic," Sasuke protested.

Sakura looked away. "Fine. Be that way!" She was obviously angry. Sasuke sighed heavily.

"Well, I'll see you later."

And with that, he dashed out of the bushes quickly.

Sakura decided it was time to leave. But before she got up, she noticed something.

Sasuke's shorts.

( - - - )

Sakura finally arrived at home. She went into the bathroom and began brushing her hair. Then, as a medic-nin, she realized that she should probably check herself to make sure nothing went wrong and that she was still safe and healthy.

She first performed a ninjutsu to make sure she wasn't pregnant.

YES, THERE'S A NINJUTSU LIKE THAT. IT'S MY STORY AND I GET TO CHANGE CANON IF I WANT.

After awhile, it came out positive! Even though she had sex like, just five seconds ago!

"NO!" screamed Sakura.

I guess it's a shame Sasuke didn't think of doing the condom ninjutsu.

"Okay Sakura," Sakura muttered to herself. "Calm down. All you have to do is stay calm…"

( - - - )

"Mommy! Mommy! I think I'm pregnant!" Sakura screamed as she ran down the stairs and to her mother.

Sakura's mother stared at her in shock, her jaw dropped and her eyes wide.

Sakura's mother: O.O

"Uhm, mom?" Sakura said, sounding nervous.

Sakura's mother fainted.

( - - - )

"So," Sakura's dad started. "You're pregnant. At 15. Weird."

Sakura's mom, who had eventually awakened from shock, was the next to speak. "You do realize how much trouble you're in, right?"

Sakura's shoulders slumped.

"Well, it can't be helped," Sakura's dad said with a sigh. "Maybe we can find a way to arrange you in a marriage."

Even though arranged marriage was extremely common in the ninja-world, Sakura was deeply offended. She knew, however, that she had no choice.

"Fine," she muttered darkly.

"But who would we possibly pair her with without it striking controversy?" Sakura mother said, pursing her lips.

"I know!" Sakura's dad exclaimed. "We'll pair her with her teacher, Kakashi!"

"_What_?!"

Sakura stood up dramatically and swiped a bunch of objects off the table (ZOMG! DID I FORGET TO MENTION THEY WERE IN A LIVING ROOM WITH TWO COUCHES FACING EACH OTHER AND COFFEE TABLE IN BETWEEN THEM?!), all of it crashing on the floor. Some people would think Sakura's reaction was unnecessary, but Sakura was so angry she probably would've bit off the head of whoever told her that.

"Pair me with _Kakashi_?! He's my _teacher_! How could you possibly think for one minute that that would actually _work_? Besides, that's disgusting! He's old! And he's probably a pervert!"

"I don't think he's old," Sakura's mom objected.

"To me he is!" Sakura screamed. "I'm only 15!"

"So?"

"HE'S NEARLY THIRTY YEARS OLD! HE'S TWICE MY AGE!"

"_Now_ you're being overdramatic," Sakura's dad objected.

"I AM NOT OVERDRAMATIC!" Sakura screamed overdramatically. Sakura's parents rolled their eyes. Sakura began crying. "Thanks for ruining my life!"

And like every heroine from a teen-angst drama, Sakura ran out of the house and away from her parents, sobbing.

After running around outside like a loser, she bumped into Tenten (she seems to run and then bump into people a lot).

"Oh. Hey Sakura," Tenten said bluntly, not seeming to care that Sakura just rammed into her.

"Oh. Tenten," Sakura said, blinking. Suddenly forgetting her own problems (even though she was like, dying from grief three seconds ago), she asked Tenten what was wrong.

Even though they weren't the same age and they were on totally different teams and barely had three minutes of interaction between each other in their entire lives, Tenten believed she could trust Sakura. Why? Because they're girls, silly!

Tenten then went into an excruciatingly long run-on paragraph about her past. Apparently, her parents just revealed to her that she was actually adopted and that her real parents were part of a powerful Konoha clan that's gone now because it was massacred.

"Wow," said Sakura when Tenten had finished. She was staring wide-eyed. "That is _so_ realistic and original."

"What am I supposed to do?" Tenten cried. "My entire life has been a lie!"

Sakura's face became very serious. "We'll do the only logical reason we have left—we'll run away!"

Tenten blinked. "To where?"

"Sunagakure!" Sakura declared boldly.

Tenten blinked. "Why?"

Sakura paused.

"I dunno. Isn't that where every Konoha ninja goes when they want to run away?"

Tenten laughed. "That's good enough for me!"

Then the brain-dead kunoichi pair skipped off to Suna.

( - - - )

Naruto looked around. He was in the Akatsuki lair—a dark, foul smelling place that looked like a cave. The only light was several lanterns.

Naruto gulped, nervous. Mari-Sukiko and Itachi led him to the leader. At first, the Akatsuki leader's face was covered in shadows. All Naruto could see was the red clouds on the cape. But as he approached closer and closer to the Akatsuki's leader, he recognized him. Naruto's jaw dropped.

It was Yondaime!

"No fucking way," Naruto said, piece by piece.

Yondaime frowned. "Yes, it _is_ fucking true. I, Yondaime, am leader of the Akatsuki."

Naruto stared, horrified. "You betrayed Konoha! Aww man, could this be any worse?"

"Yes because…" Yondaime began breathing heavily. "Naruto," he said darkly and dramatically, still breathing heavily. "I am your father!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Naruto screamed, falling on his knees and throwing his hands in the air.

"Damnit, boy," Yondaime snapped. "How many times do you want me to repeat myself?!"

"Oh. Sorry." Naruto stood straight up. He sighed. "Sorry, it's just that I don't understand why you're the leader of the Akatsuki."

"Because Obito's here."

"He is?" Naruto said, raising an eyebrow.

I know you guys are wondering why Naruto knows Obito, but the answer is simple.

IT'S MY STORY AND I GET TO CHANGE CANON! SO FUCK YOU, MAN! FUCK YOU!

Err, uhm, anyways…

"Yeah Naruto, I'm right here."

Naruto turned around and saw Tobi. Tobi removed his mask and…

DUN DUN DUN!

It was Obito.

"Well, I'm officially scared out of my mind," said Naruto.

"And I'm actually a girl! Yeah!" Deidara exclaimed out of nowhere.

"Really?" Naruto said, raising his eyebrows.

"No," said Deidara bluntly.

Naruto blinked.

"ANYWAYS!" Yondaime said loudly, gaining everyone's attention again. "Naruto, you want to join the Akatsuki, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Good," said Yondaime. "Because if you said no, we would've had to kill you!"

The entire Akatsuki burst into laughter, but Naruto just stared wide-eyed.

"SILENCE!" Yondaime screamed suddenly. Everyone silenced. "Well, Naruto, in order to join, you have to answer three questions."

"Alright," said Naruto, grinning. "Bring it on!"

"What is your favorite color?"

"Orange!"

"When is your birthday?"

"October 10th!"

"What is two plus two?"

"Four!"

"Wow," Kisame murmured. "He's good."

"Alright," said Yondaime, nodding. "You pass."

"Awesome!" Naruto cried, punching the air.

"We'll get your purple nail polish and measurements for your cloak later. For now, let's just party!"

A disco ball came down from the ceiling, flashing lights and colors. Loud pounding music played while the Akatsuki members and Naruto danced and partied like it was 1999.

( - - - )

"Did you hear that Naruto, that fox-boy, left Konoha to join the Akatsuki?"

Hinata's ears perked as she began listening in on the conversation. As she listened, she discovered that Naruto had just run away yesterday.

Hinata's fist clenched. "I HAVE TO FIND HIM!" She declared loudly, loud enough to make the shinobi who were gossiping stare at her in alarm. Hinata didn't notice. She had to find Naruto!

But first, before she did that, she had to get her superhero cape.

( - - - )

Hinata decided she would have to find the Akatsuki lair. She leaped through the forest. After hours of jumping (jeez, you'd think she'd get tired or something), she finally came to a stop. She hopped down from the trees. She was going to stop and set up camp when she recognized someone from far away. It was Sasuke!

Hinata bit her lip, wondering whether or not she should ask for directions.

After a moment of thought, Hinata approached him. She was going to say something, but then Sasuke looked up at her. Their eyes locked into an intense stare. Hinata felt herself going breathless.

Even though they never spoke to each other before, even though Sasuke probably didn't know her name, even though Hinata was head over heels in love with Naruto and even though their babies would probably have freaky mutant eyeballs… They were attracted to each other so they did it.

Just like that.

(Sasuke hates foreplay.)

After a couple minutes of humping, they finally stopped. The only one that seemed to be exhausted though was Sasuke. Hinata was just sort of disappointed.

Sasuke finally spoke to Hinata. This would be their first conversation.

EVER.

"So are you on a mission or something Hillary?"

"It's Hinata. And I'm not on a mission. I'm just looking for Naruto. He ran away to join the Akatsuki."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Really? Wow."

Sasuke then began thinking of Naruto. He thought about the good times they shared, the bonding, the times they worked together, defended each other, saved each other…

Sasuke was startled when he realized he was smiling. Why was he _smiling_? Uh oh, could it possibly mean…

Sasuke sat upright. "O-M-G! I LOVE NARUTO!"

Hinata stared at him.

"I mean, it's so obvious! He understands the loneliness I feel! And he was always there!"

Hinata frowned as Sasuke continued talking.

"And he _is_ my best friend and all. And rival too, but still! And besides, it's not like I don't have any real competition for him!" Hinata seemed to get angrier and angrier. "Besides, to be working with Sai, he _has_ to be gay! I mean—"

"JYUUKEN!"

Hinata jyuukened Sasuke. Fortunately, Sasuke didn't die. Instead, he was just knocked out.

…Wait, that's _fortunate_? Err, oh well.

Hinata decided to continue looking for Naruto. Before she left, she looked down at Sasuke. "Sorry Sasuke. It's not you, it's me."

She then ran off.

( - - - )

About three days later, Tenten and Sakura arrived at Sunagakure. They were about to enter when the guards stopped them.

"What's the problem officer?" Tenten asked.

One of the guards frowned. "Are you serious? Or do you just not get the fact that we can't allow random ninjas into the village?"

Sakura scoffed. "For your information, I was the Konoha medic-nin that saved Kankurou's life."

"Oh. Well, I guess I'll let you in, even though you really didn't give us any evidence to support that," said the other guard. Tenten and Sakura smirked confidently as they walked in.

When they got in the village, they sort of just stood there for a moment.

"Now what?" Tenten said, putting her hands on her hips. Sakura thought for a moment.

"I really don't know."

Tenten sighed.

"Maybe we could ask the Sand Sibs if we could stay at their place," Sakura suggested. "Until, you know, we find an apartment of our own."

Tenten shrugged. "Why not? Gaara's a friendly person."

They then skipped down the yellow brick road to Gaara's house.

Actually, it was more like a beige color, but whatever.

( - - - )

"…So even though we barely know each other, I was still thinking we could stay here," said Sakura.

Gaara shrugged. "I'm cool with that."

"Awesome!" exclaimed Tenten. "We're all going to be roomies!"

"Yeah!" Sakura said, giggling.

Gaara frowned at the giggling. He just made a big mistake, didn't he?

( - - - )

"After four days of their disappearance, I've finally decided that somebody should go look for them," Tsunade said to all the Konoha-nin. Team 8, 10, Gai's team and Sai were all gathered in her office. She was going to send teams to look for Tenten, Hinata, Naruto and Sakura.

"So, even though Naruto ran to the very dangerous Akatsuki and Hinata went after him, I've decided to only send Kiba and Shino."

"…Shit," muttered Kiba.

"Yeah," Shino agreed quietly. "We're screwed."

"And the rest of you will go on the very safe journey to Suna to get Tenten and Sakura back," said Tsunade. "You are dismissed."

( - - - )

Sasuke finally woke up ('finally' is right. He was, what, asleep for three days?). He moaned—his body sore and aching. He finally stood up. He became alarmed when he sensed a dark presence.

Sasuke whipped around, looking in every direction. He found nothing. But then, out of nowhere, a shadowed figure jumped from bushes and bit Sasuke's neck.

"SHIT!" swore Sasuke. "Not another curse seal!"

"No, you dumb-shit!" said the shadowed figure, breaking away from Sasuke. "I'm a vampire!"

"Oh," said Sasuke. He paused in thought. "…Shit," he swore.

The vampire rolled his eyes before vanishing into the shadows all badass-like.

"Wait!" Sasuke called. "Does this make me a vampire-ninja then?"

"Yes, you dumb-shit!" the vampire called back.

Sasuke grinned. "Cool!"

And now, with his badass vampire powahs, he ran off to find Naruto. HIS LOVER.

Heeheehee. XD

( - - - )

Over the last couple of days, Sakura and Tenten had gotten closer to the Sand Sibs. Sakura had become especially close to Gaara and Tenten had become especially close to Kankurou.

Yes. Tenten and Kankurou. I know you're laughing your ass off (I don't get it either), but bare with me for a minute.

In fact, just the other night, Sakura had done something very, err, _intimate_ with Gaara.

I know. You think she had learnt her lesson the first time, but she couldn't resist!

After all, Gaara can be _very_ sexy and seductive when he wants to. No, seriously! Look for yourself…

_The lights were dimmed red, a fire burned in the fireplace. Sakura, who was sitting in a very comfy recliner, crossed her legs and relaxed._

_"Champagne, my lady?" Gaara offered in a deep, sexy voice._

_"Yes please," Sakura said, batting her eyelashes._

_She held out her wine glass as Gaara filled it. When it was filled, Gaara turned to put it away. He gave Sakura a quick glance out of the corner of his eye. Sakura shivered excitedly._

_Gaara sat down in a chair across from Sakura's. He took a sip from his own wine glass._

_Tension filled the air. Sakura played with the rim of her wine glass a bit._

_Gaara finally broke the silence. "I don't know how to say this without it sounding offensive, so let's cut out the small-talk and just get straight to the point. Do you wanna do it with me?"_

_"I thought you'd never ask!" Sakura threw her glass aside and pounced on Gaara._

…Oh wait. She was the one dropping the hints. Well, still! This time it was different. Gaara was her soul mate. Sakura was _positive_ that there was no other man for her.

"Sakura!"

Sakura jumped a little upon hearing her name. The voice sounded familiar…

Sakura crawled out of Gaara's bed and hopped towards the window (she could only hop because she wrapped the sheets around her body). She looked out the window and down below, she saw Sai.

"Sai!" Sakura exclaimed, clearly surprised. "Why are you here?"

"Actually, a bunch of Konoha-nins are here, but that's beside the point!" Sai called up. "I just wanted to say that even though you're a chestless hag, I love you!"

Sakura gasped.

Ino, who just happened to be walking by, overheard the declaration of love. And she was _not_ happy with it. She grew fangs and horns and randomly turned into a royal bitch. Why? Because that's supposedly the person she is.

"I can't believe you stole Sai from me! I won't forget this, Haruno Sakura!"

Then it was Ino's turn to cry and run like a retard.

Gaara, who had left to come back and bring breakfast for him and Sakura, had just entered the room. He didn't overhear any part of Sakura and Sai's conversation.

"Gaara!" Sakura said, surprised. She almost forgot about him!

Gaara looked a bit confused. "What's with that tone in your voice? Is something wrong or…" he trailed off.

Sakura swallowed heavily. "Gaara, these past few days have been absolutely fantastic! But it just won't work between us. Besides, I've found someone better!"

Gaara raised a non-existent eyebrow. "Who?"

"Well, I'd tell you, but I'm afraid you'll send ninjas to assassinate him…" Sakura laughed nervously.

Gaara shrugged. She was probably right.

"So," he said slowly. "Basically, you're saying you want to break up with me?"

"Yeah. Sorry," she said grimly. Then she lit up. "Well, see ya!"

Gaara's eyes followed her as she grabbed her clothes and hopped out the door, still wrapped around in sheets. After she left, Gaara stood there in a moment of silence, processing what just occurred.

He threw the tray across the room. "Damnit! How come this always happens?!"

( - - - )

"Oh Kankurou," said Tenten, sighing. "These last few days have been so wonderful and romantic."

"I know," Kankurou said with a sigh.

Suddenly, Neji appeared, running towards Tenten and Kankurou.

"Tenten!" Neji exclaimed. "There you are… All of Konoha has been looking for you and Sakura! It's time to go home already!"

"What?" Tenten said, gasping. She looked upset. "I can't go! I'm in love with Kankurou now! Give me one perfectly good reason why I should go back to Konoha!"

Neji thought for a moment.

"Because I'm hot?"

Tenten stared; appalled for a moment, but then the expression melted away when she realized it was true. Neji _was_ hot.

"Bye Kankurou!" Tenten said. She ran to Neji, clinging onto his arm. Kankurou's jaw dropped.

"But Tenten! What about us?" he exclaimed.

"But…Kankurou! Neji's hot!" Tenten whined.

"Tenten!" Kankurou protested. "I can change!"

"Sorry, Kankurou. But it's not you, it's me," Tenten apologized. "Besides, I don't believe in long distance relationships anyways."

She then ran off with Neji. Kankurou began thinking thoughts of suicide, but then a pair of hot, blond, identical twin girls walked past him.

"…Jackpot," Kankurou muttered under his breath. He ran off after the two.

( - - - )

Naruto groaned. He opened his eyes. He was exhausted from the party the Akatsuki had thrown the night before. The Akatsuki seemed to party a lot… And apparently, everyone had fallen asleep on the floor, including him. Naruto stood up, clutching his head. He felt dizzy. Must've been from all that soda…

He blinked sleep from his eyes and when his vision was focused, he recognized someone standing not too far from him.

He jumped. "Sasuke! How'd you get here?"

The vampire/emo/missing-nin/GAY/revenge obsessed/dark haired boy approached Naruto. When he was standing a few feet away he stopped. "Well," he started (Naruto had a feeling it was going to be a long story). "I ran through forests, mountains and past rivers. I circled this area dozens of times just to find this lair." He glanced away, looking slightly red. "Not to mention I had to do some favors that I'm not so proud of for some old guys so I could get directions but…" Sasuke coughed nervously. "Anyways, that doesn't mean anything right now."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Well, why'd you come here anyways?"

"I had to find you!" Sasuke cried. "I wanted to tell you something! But first, I have a question. What the _hell_ are you doing in the Akatsuki?"

"Well, I found out that I have a sister. She was in the Akatsuki and she invited me to join so I thought 'what the heck' and went." Naruto frowned. "Well, that and Itachi threatened to kill me if I didn't."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "That bastard."

"Isn't he the main reason why you came here?"

"…Well, now that you mention it, I probably should get around to that while I'm here…"

Naruto stared disbelievingly. "You mean to tell me that you came to the Akatsuki lair and Itachi was the last thing on your mind?"

"Yeah. I'm just as shocked as you are."

Naruto sighed. "You mean to tell me that all these years of chasing after power and revenge you chose _now_ to actually care about your friends?"

"Look Naruto," Sasuke said. "I know you'll never forgive me for what I did, but I'm a changed man now! I promise."

Naruto glanced around. Were things getting a little awkward or was he just imagining things…?

Suddenly, Sasuke held Naruto's hand in his. He brought the hand by his chest. Naruto stared blankly, too shocked to move.

"Naruto, I love you."

It took Naruto a moment to process what Sasuke had said, but once he realized it, he pulled his hand away.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sasuke, I don't know if you're really gay or if you're just been watching Brokeback Mountain too many times, but…look. I like girls! In fact, I've been crushing on Sakura for the last 4 years! I've even been recording her in her bedroom with my camera!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Naruto, Naruto, Naruto…" Sasuke said, shaking his head sympathetically. "How can you be so naïve? Sakura's only role in the series is to come between our pure and everlasting love!"

Naruto blinked twice.

That was, by far, the stupidest thing he had ever heard in his life.

"I can't live without you Naruto…"

Naruto stared at Sasuke, horrified. Before he could have a chance to respond, he heard a couple of footsteps as someone approached them.

"Wow. That was the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Naruto and Sasuke turned to face the speaker. Sasuke gasped dramatically.

"Itachi!"

Itachi just stood there. He raised an eyebrow. "Uhm, hi."

Sasuke took a couple of steps toward Itachi. He clenched his fists. "Don't greet me like a perfectly nice human being! You're an ass-wipe and you know it!"

"Uhm, duh," Itachi said.

"What did I just say?! Stop acting innocent!" Sasuke growled. He pulled out a kunai. "Nah! Forget it! I'll kill you anyways!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "By doing what? There's nothing you can do that I can't do better—please, refrain yourself from singing." Sasuke just blinked. Itachi continued speaking. "I have a stronger sharingan than you anyways—you don't stand a chance."

Sasuke grinned, revealing his sharp teeth. "That's where you're wrong… I have something you can't copy, even with your great sharingan—vampire powers!"

Itachi thought for a moment.

"…Fuck."

Sasuke lunged at Itachi and bit him like some kind of wild animal or something. Itachi bled to death and died, just like that.

Naruto stared wide-eyed. If he rejected Sasuke, was he going to end up like Itachi? A bloody, mangled corpse lying in a smelly lair?

"Now," said Sasuke, approaching Naruto. "Time to finish up other matters."

Sasuke leaned down slowly to kiss Naruto. Naruto was too shocked to do anything. He had to do something, though! Sasuke leaned in closer, and closer, and…

"JYUUKEN!"

Sasuke fell to the floor, unconscious. Hinata stood over him. She kicked him once to see if he was awake or not. When she was sure he was knocked out, she turned to Naruto. Naruto stared at her, amazed.

"…You're my hero."

Hinata just blushed.

"Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

"Well," she said slowly. She bit her bottom lip. "You _could_ leave the Akatsuki…"

( - - - )

Shino and Kiba arrived at the spot Hinata was previously at when she spent the night with Sasuke.

"Is she here?" Shino asked.

"No," Kiba replied. "But let's keep following the trail. Come on, Akamaru!"

Akamaru barked and sped off. Kiba and Shino followed.

( - - - )

Team 10, Team Gai, Sai and Sakura walked merrily down the road to Konoha.

"Wow!" said Sakura. "It's such a beautiful day! I hope nothing bad happens!"

How wrong she was…

Suddenly a couple of ninja popped out of the bushes.

"We're here to destroy you all!" one of the ninja declared.

"Bring it on!" Tenten snapped back. "There are only a couple of you guys anyways!"

How wrong she was…

More ninja appeared from the foliage.

Tenten blinked. "Okay, so there are a couple more of you…So what? You guys are just a bunch of anonymous henchmen that were probably sent from Orochimaru! You don't stand a chance!"

How wrong she was…

Even more ninja appeared. The group was surrounded.

"Well," said Ino, gulping. "This'll be hard, but we should be fine…"

How wrong she—okay, I think you get the pattern that's going on here. More and more ninjas continued to pop out of nowhere until there were about, like, FIFTY BAJILLION of them. And that's not even a number! Take that!

"I'm sure if we have an unrealistic fight scene we should be fine," said Sai.

"Unrealistic? You mean you _actually_ think Shikamaru should fight?" Ino said.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "That's unrealistic?"

"Yeah. Shikamaru's lazy and rarely fights," Ino replied. Shikamaru just shrugged in the background.

"No, that's not that bad," Neji said.

"WE HAVE TO GO FURTHER! YOSH!" Lee screamed at the top of his lungs.

Everyone stared at him.

"Lee," said Tenten, staring at him like he was crazy (but in a way, I guess he is). "Why are you yelling?"

"I LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS!!!"

The fifty bajillion ninja stared blankly at Lee.

"Uhm, Lee, you don't have to—"Neji started.

"BOB SAGET! ASS FUCK!"

"Lee—"

"I LIKE MUFFINS! YOSH!"

"Lee!" 

"MY BALOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, ITS O-S-C-A-R! MY BALOGNA HAS A SECOND NAME, ITS—"

"JYUUKEN!"

Neji knocked Lee out. Lee fell over like a dead animal. By then, the fifty bajillion ninja were staring at the Konoha-nins with looks of disbelief and shock.

"Sorry," Neji said, coughing. "He's usually not this OOC. It's just that the author's shallow and thinks Lee's stupid just because he's not 'good looking'."

"It's a sad, shallow world we live in," Tenten said quietly.

"Yeah, I know," Shikamaru agreed. "That's why Chouji hasn't said anything yet. It's because he's _dead_."

"I thought you'd be a bit more upset about something like that," Sakura said quietly.

"Normally I would be, but it's too late for canon. _Far_ too late."

"Well, anyways…" Sai coughed. Everyone got into SUPER DUPER ACTION POSES as they prepared to fight all the ninja.

"HUWAAAH!" Neji screamed like they do in all those old kung-fu movies.

Everyone began doing crazy techniques with bad English titles as they fought.

"SUPER FLOWER POWER RED MOON STAR HARPY EXTREME LIEK-ZOMG-THIS-TECHNIQUE-HAS-A-REALLY-LONG-NAME NO JUTSU!"

Pretty, sparkly flowers rained down and killed ninjas on contact.

…Jeez. The technique might as well have been named 'sparkly sugar poo no jutsu'! I mean, flowers aren't very intimidating in the _first_ place. In fact, it's quite the opposite…

Somehow, after hours of crazy and unrealistic techniques (man, you'd think these people would get tired), the battle came to an end. All fifty bajillion ninja were knocked out and dead. D-E-D dead.

Amazing!

"That battle was weird," Tenten said suddenly. "I mean, the whole battle seemed in slow motion to me, and halfway through the battle I lost some of my chakra suddenly…"

"Really? Because I—WHOA!" Sakura said, jumping when she saw Tenten.

Tenten raised an eyebrow. "…What?"

"Your eyes—they're red!"

"Why?! I didn't get any shampoo in my eye!" Tenten cried.

"No," said Neji. "It doesn't have anything to do with shampoo…You have the sharingan! That's the problem!"

Tenten's jaw dropped. "I do?!"

"Yes!" said Ino, gasping. "You do!"

"No way."

"Way."

"No way!"

"_Way_."

"No way!"

"Way!"

"NO WAY!"

"Damnit, Tenten!" Neji screamed suddenly. "You have the sharingan, alright?!"

"You don't have to scream," Tenten said, backing away.

"Once we get to Konoha we should look into it," said Sakura.

"No," said Tenten. "It's fine. My family history matches with it just fine. It's true—I'm an Uchiha."

"The SasuTen fans are going to have a blast," Ino muttered.

( - - - )

Sasuke sneezed, making him wake abruptly. He stood up. His head hurt a lot, like his brain cells were damaged or something. And for some reason, he couldn't understand addition anymore.

Sasuke clutched his head. He tried to remember what he did last. He saw Itachi's rotting corpse not too far away from him (it's not like you could miss it). Then he remembered.

Naruto had left with Hinata. Hinata was the one who knocked him out. She was going to steal Naruto away from him!

Sasuke growled. He would get Naruto back and get revenge on Hinata! He vowed to make Naruto love him, forever!

…Okay, you can stop laughing now.

( - - - )

Team Gai, Team 10, Sai and Sakura arrived at the Konoha gates.

"Well, here we are," said Shikamaru. "Home sweet home."

"Actually, your house is on the other side of the village," said Tenten. "Good luck walking all that way."

"…Crap."

"Wait!" said Sakura, suddenly. "I just remembered! My parents want me to marry Kakashi!"

Ino blinked twice. "How'd you forget _that_? Isn't that the very reason you left?"

"Uhm, _yeah_," Sakura said, sounding as if she thought Ino was an idiot.

But Sakura fans are required by invisible laws to make Ino a stupid bitch, just like how Ino fans are required to turn Ino into a total Mary-Sue and Sakura into a useless, annoying girl. The whole thing about Ino and Sakura forgiving each other and being friends again after their fight in the chuunin exams? They're _lies_!

"Can't you just talk to them?" Sai said.

"I can try," Sakura said. She sounded doubtful. She looked at Sai. "It'd really help if you came with me." Sai just nodded in response.

( - - - )

Sakura knocked on the door of her house. She and Sai waited. The door swung open and there stood Mr. Haruno.

"Dad, I need to talk to you and mom," Sakura said.

"O…Kay," he said slowly. He opened the door all the way and let Sai and Sakura into the house. Soon, the Haruno family and Sai were sitting at the kitchen table.

"Here," said Mrs. Haruno. She handed a glass of water to everyone at the table.

"Now mom, dad… The reason why I ran away in the first place is because, well, I'm not ready to get married," Sakura said.

"You were ready to get pregnant," Sakura's dad muttered.

"Sakura, you can't raise a child on your own!" Sakura's mom protested.

"Bu—but why do I have to marry Kakashi?" Sakura cried. Sai, beginning to feel nervous with the rising tension, began drinking from his glass of water.

"Kakashi can provide for you perfectly!" Sakura's mother protested.

"But I don't want to marry him!"

Sakura's father sighed. "If you want to choose a suitor, you may. But if it doesn't work you're marrying Kakashi! Your old, perverted teacher that for some reason we think would make the perfect husband for our 14 year old, pregnant daughter!"

"And pick one soon!" Sakura's mother added.

"Don't worry," said Sakura, beaming. "I've already chosen someone!"

"Who?"

"Sai!" Sakura exclaimed. Sai spat out his water. Everyone stared at Sai as he began coughing and choking. After a moment, Sai seemed to calm down for a second, but his hacking resumed. After what seemed like forever, Sai finally stopped. The Haruno family stared at Sai, wide-eyed. Sakura inwardly groaned.

"Excuse me. Sorry," he said, clearing his throat. He looked at Sakura. "Now, _what_ did you say?"

Sakura was surprised by the tone of his voice. "I said I wanted to marry you," she said, her eyebrows furrowing in concern. "What's wrong?"

"What's _wrong_?" Sai repeated. He forced a laugh. "Are you kidding me?" Sakura's expression began slowly melting away and turned into one of shock and grief. "Just because I said that I loved you that doesn't mean I want to run off and get married!"

Sakura just stared. Her eyes were brimmed with tears. Sai sighed heavily. "Look, I can't get married. It's over, Sakura." And with that, he left.

Tension filled the air. The front door could be heard as Sai exited. Sakura's dad hummed under his breath while looking around the room nervously, unable to think of what to say.

"Well," said Mrs. Haruno. "I guess this means you can marry Kakashi now."

( - - - )

"Hinata, this was a great idea."

Hinata and Naruto arrived in front of the Konoha gates. In the long run, they both decided to go back to Konoha.

"I don't care what I said before," said Naruto. He smiled. "Just seeing these gates make me feel at ease. I never should've left home."

Hinata smiled. "I'm glad you think that."

The two entered Konoha. Little did they know a certain emo with duck-butt hair was watching them from the bushes…

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. He glared at Hinata. He should've never been fooled by her innocent act—she was evil! Who cares how she fainted around Naruto all the time! Who cares how she pretended to get beat up by Neji yet still go on with perseverance, acting like some kind of hero! She was faking it—she was really evil at heart! The little man-stealing bitch…

Sasuke was about lunge out of the bushes until someone grabbed him by the back of his collar. Sasuke, naturally, fell back onto the floor. Sasuke scrambled to his feet. He came face to face with Mari-Sukiko.

"What do you want?!" Sasuke snapped, somewhat uncharacteristically.

"What else?" Mari-Sukiko replied, just as angrily. "I want revenge! You killed Itachi-bachi!"

"So? He killed my entire family!" Sasuke snapped. "He killed them when I was eight! Then he used his mangekyou sharingan on me! I had to see my parents get brutally murdered by him over and over again for what seemed like 24 hours straight!" Sasuke then shuddered. "Do you have any idea how traumatizing it is to see your loved ones' blood? To hear their bloodcurdling screams and begs for forgiveness?! And all anybody ever does is say 'AWW! Itachi is SO cute!' Yeah right! He's a fucking cold-blooded killer!"

"Oh cut the crap!" Mari-Sukiko snapped. "I hate you for whining about your life even though you have every right to! Besides, I'm a teenager, I've been through much more than you have! What I went through is much worse. People flame my art! They say I don't know anything about anatomy, whatever that is!"

"_What_? That's not bad! That's practically nothing!" Sasuke said with a scoff. Then, he added rather angrily, "Besides, it's not flaming. It's CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FOR GOD'S SAKES."

"It was a flame! And it _is_ tragic! Besides, as an anti-Sasuke fan/pro-Itachi fan, I have to use stupid excuses and say what you've been through isn't bad in order to prove my point!" Mari-Sukiko replied, sticking out her tongue. Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Anyways, that's beside the point!" Mari-Sukiko continued. "I'm not here to argue, I'm here to kill. Let's fight, beyotch!"

Sasuke sighed. Then, he lunged at her, screaming like a maniac, and then…

( - - - )

Shino and Kiba stood outside the Akatsuki lair. Shino raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure she was here?" Shino asked.

"Positive. But her trail seems to lead that way," Kiba responded. He paused. "Wait, that leads back to Konoha."

Shino thought for a moment. "That's not possible. Are you sure it's not an old scent?"

"I don't think so, but I could be wrong…"

"There's no way Hinata could've gone back to Konoha. Let's look elsewhere."

( - - - )

Sasuke threw a punch at Mari-Sukiko. Before the attack could land, Mari-Sukiko easily grabbed his wrist and broke it. Sasuke 'somewhat' uncharacteristically cried like a wimp.

Then Mari-Sukiko kicked him like, fifty feet away.

ZOMG MAREE-SOOKEEKO IS STRONGZORZ!!!11111oneeleventytwelve.

Mari-Sukiko smiled triumphantly. But unfortunately for her, Sasuke hit his head on a rock on the way down. Hitting his head snapped him back into reality. Using his brain for the first time in this battle, Sasuke activated his sharingan instead of just throwing random attacks at Mari-Sukiko. Skillfully using hand signs, Sasuke activated his Chidori technique. He charged at Mari-Sukiko. Mari-Sukiko, who was too busy laughing in victory, was unable to react in time. The Chidori hit her in the abdomen. Mari-Sukiko let out a choked out noise. She fell on the floor.

"About time," Sasuke said, as he deactivated his sharingan. Half of the readers who didn't TaLk liek thiz were thinking the same thing.

But then, all of a sudden a pure-white form appeared by Mari-Sukiko's corpse. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. He narrowed his eyes, trying to make out who it was. He gasped when he recognized the figure.

It was Itachi-bachi!

"Itachi!" Sasuke growled, pointing. "Why aren't you burning in hell?!"

"Because, foolish little brother, I'm hot and was dating an original character and therefore can only go to heaven. It doesn't matter matter if I'm an ass—the angels think I'm sexy." Sasuke stared in shock. Itachi continued, "Right now I'm here to bring back Mari-Sukiko. We'll go to heaven together since our five minutes of development is true and pure love."

Suddenly, a glowing white light appeared from Mari-Sukiko's dead body. Sasuke was blinded by the light.

"Shit! I can't see anything!" 

"Don't worry. Once you get the mangekyou sharingan you'll get used to it," Itachi said, referring to the 'blind' thing.

When the light faded, Mari-Sukiko's soul appeared. She gasped when she saw Itachi.

"Itachi-bachi! You came for me!"

"Duh."

She smiled a smile that would make the most senile, annoying, old man bite his tongue.

And no, I did not steal that line from Gym Class Heroes!

"Oh, Itachi-bachi! I knew you'd come! I love you!"

Itachi coughed nervously. "Uhm, yeah. Whatever."

Then the two disappeared in an overly dramatic fashion that was meant to be heart wrenching and significant, and then the two were sent off to heaven.

Sasuke stood there.

"Uhm, _okay_…"

He then left to follow Naruto and Hinata.

( - - - )

"Naruto! Look!" Hinata exclaimed, pointing at a poster. Naruto came over and read the poster out loud.

"A wedding between Hatake Kakashi and Haruno Sakura will take place this afternoon. Under the wishes of the Hokage Tsunade, the entire village is invited to the big celebration," Naruto read. He gasped. "Oh no! We missed Sakura's wedding!"

"No, Naruto! Don't be stupid! Look at the date! The wedding is taking place right now!" Hinata cried.

"Let's go!" Naruto exclaimed. The two ran off.

( - - - )

Sasuke looked around. Why was the entire village deserted? Then he heard loud music. Sasuke looked in the direction where the noise was coming from. Some big celebration must've been taking place.

_Hinata and Naruto must be there!_ Sasuke thought. He went after the noise.

( - - - )

Tears brimmed Sakura's eyes.

"Oh be happy already, forehead-girl!" Ino snapped. The blonde was helping her friend get ready, even though a while back she vowed eternal hatred towards her.

"I don't want to marry Kakashi!" Sakura cried. Literally. Ino scoffed.

"Stop crying! You're ruining your mascara," Ino said. She helped Sakura put the veil on, then she handed her the bouquet of flowers. Ino took a step back to look at her work. "There. Perfect. Now I'll be out there with everyone else. This is _your_ day. Good luck forehead."

Sakura just sobbed loudly.

( - - - )

Naruto and Hinata arrived at the wedding. The entire place was crowded. There was a large stage where the wedding was taking place. A couple rows of seats were by the stage, all reserved.

One would wonder why Konoha could afford to buy a large stage and not be able to hire ninjas to kill Orochimaru and the Akatsuki—but hey. It's MY STORY AND I CAN BE UNREALISTIC ALL I WANT!

"Come on! We have to get a closer view!" Naruto grabbed Hinata's hand and the two began pushing through the crowd.

"Naruto! Hinata! Over here!" Naruto and Hinata looked and saw Tenten waving her arms like an overexcited parent watching their kid play at a soccer game or something. The couple pushed further past the crowd to reach Tenten.

"Wow! I can't believe you're here!" Tenten said, grinning. "Well, anyways, come with me. All of Sakura and Kakashi's friends are invited to sit in the reserved seats."

They followed Tenten and took their seats, sitting by the rest of the rookie nine, Sai and the rest of Gai's team.

"I'm starting to wonder why I'm even here," Ino said, crossing her arms.

Sai, who was sitting next to her, raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"

"I _mean_ Sakura made me give up on the dream of marriage. She stole my lovers too many times! I don't even know why I'm at her wedding," Ino hissed. "I'm _never_ going to get married, even if I _do_ find the man of my dreams."

Sai scooted closer to her. "Oh, _really_?"

Ino raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah…"

"Listen, maybe we should hook up sometime…"

( - - - )

Sasuke looked down at the crowd from his spot in a tree. Sasuke scanned over the area, looking for Naruto and Hinata, but couldn't find them anywhere. There were so many people. What the _hell_ was so important anyways?

( - - - )

"I wish we had dressed up a bit more…" Hinata murmured, looking at everyone's suits and dresses.

"_I_ think you look pretty," Naruto said. Hinata just blushed.

NO FAINTING! WOW! GO HINATA!

"Naruto, I…"

"Say, Hinata, do you want to go on a date later? Maybe after this…"

Hinata beamed. "Of course! I'd love to!" She smiled.

"Great!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning. "We can go get ramen!"

Hinata frowned.

"Guys! Quiet! The wedding's about to start!" Tenten hissed under her breath.

"YOSH!" screamed Lee all of a sudden.

"Lee! No! Just… _no_," said Neji, glaring at Lee.

"YOSH?"

Tenten groaned. "Why did you bring him? You knew he was going to be OOC!"

"I thought the author would see that Lee was actually a decent character and change her mind about him!" Neji protested.

Tenten sighed heavily.

( - - - )

Sakura took a deep breath.

_It's too late. I can't change anything,_ she thought. It was her turn to walk down the 'aisle'. She slowly walked up the steps and onto the stage. Everyone gasped, 'aww-ed', and cheered, impressed by how beautiful Sakura looked. Sakura walked across the stage and towards the altar. Kakashi stood there in his suit and mask. Sakura's eyebrows rose when she noticed something in Kakashi's hands.

"Sensei!" she hissed under her breath. "Get rid of that book!"

Kakashi looked up from his Icha Icha Paradise book. He raised an eyebrow. "Why? I'm getting to the good part."

"We're getting married, you twit!" she barked. Kakashi sighed heavily and put the book aside. The priest then began to speak the familiar words.

( - - - )

"What the hell is going on?" Sasuke said, unable to see. He moved a couple of branches. He was shocked by the sight.

Kakashi and Sakura were getting married! And Sakura was…

Beautiful.

Sasuke blinked twice. He had never seen his former teammate so… elegant, ravishing, mature, sophisticated, classy, pretty, amazing, stunning and every other adjective-abusing word from the thesaurus!

Sasuke was struck by an emotion of envy. Sure, he was gay five seconds ago and yes, he ignored her for the last three years, but he loved Sakura _now_! And there was no way Kakashi was taking her! 

Sasuke was about to leap down, but he paused when a realization hit him.

"What? Why the frick is she marrying _Kakashi_?!" Sasuke thought about it, but then realized the ceremony was coming to end. He had to hurry!

( - - - )

"Do you, Kakashi, take this woman, Sakura, to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love her and comfort her, to honor her and keep her, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?" the priest asked.

"I guess… Sure, why not?" Kakashi said, shrugging.

"Do you, Sakura, take this man, Kakashi, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him and comfort him, to honor him and keep him, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?" the priest asked Sakura.

"I—"

"Don't!" Sasuke said, jumping out of nowhere. He paused. "I mean, uhm, I object! Or whatever…" He thought for a moment. "Yeah. Objection. That works."

"Sasuke!" Sakura said with a gasp.

"Sasuke!" Kakashi exclaimed.

"Sasuke!" Naruto cried, hiding behind Hinata.

"Sasuke!" Hinata growled, clenching her fists.

"Uhm, yeah," said Sasuke, looking around nervously.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here?!" Sakura said, shocked.

"Well," he said. "I'm here to stop the wedding."

"Oh please! You already ruined my life enough. This is the only way to make things right. I have to do this!" Sakura declared.

"But you can't! I love you! I've learned the errors of my ways! I want to start a new life!" Sasuke protested. Everyone stared in shock, especially Sakura.

"Oh Sasuke! I love you too!" Sakura said in a melodramatic manner. With tears in her eyes, she ran into Sasuke's arms.

Everyone was confused at first, but they figured 'why the hell not' and began to clap and cheer.

"Sorry Sensei," Sakura said looking at Kakashi.

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't care. It was Saturday and I had nothing better to do." Sakura smiled, somehow perfectly okay with that.

"But wait!" Sakura's mom said suddenly. Everyone abruptly stopped clapping to let Mrs. Haruno speak. "She can't! She has to marry _someone_!"

Sakura and Sasuke glanced at each other.

"…Well," Sakura started slowly. "I _am_ carrying your child."

Sasuke shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do."

Sakura grinned and the two stood by the altar.

"Step on it, rabbi," Sakura said.

"Okay," said the priest, shrugging. He smiled. "Sasuke, do you?"

"I do."

"Sakura, do you?"

"I do."

The rabbi passed them the rings. Sakura and Sasuke put them on hurriedly.

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Sakura and Sasuke smiled and then looked at each other tenderly. They leaned in and…

…pounced on each other, making out.

Touched by the oh-so-realistic-and-romantic love, everyone began to cheer and clap and not care that Sasuke used to be a traitor.

Moral of the story: teen pregnancy leads to TRU LUV.

( - - - )

Two people and a dog stood in the middle of a swamp, two feet deep in thick mud.

"DAMN IT!" screamed Kiba. "WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"

And they all lived happily ever after…

…Well, until the sequel, anyways.

THE END


End file.
